Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
i can’t wait that long
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.