Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
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think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
How I like cutting carbs
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.