What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
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Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.