What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
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On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans