On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
You Might Also Like
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
me when I see my crush
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief