My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
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Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.