Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
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Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word