You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
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Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
December birthdays be like…
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?