Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
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I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Catering service
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
The biggest mystery of our time
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.