Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
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Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Rambo Rambow
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.