@TheRolo “Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
@KateWouldHaveIt Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
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@TheRolo 
@TheBoydP [Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
@dumbbeezie Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
@dietredbull it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
@tarashoe ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
@ItsAndyRyan 4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
@Fred_Delicious My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
@citizenkawala We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
@_The_Leftovers_ To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
@WilliamAder I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!