@KateWouldHaveIt

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

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@TheRolo

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

@TheBoydP

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

@dietredbull

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

@tarashoe

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

@ItsAndyRyan

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

@Fred_Delicious

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

@citizenkawala

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

@_The_Leftovers_

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

@WilliamAder

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!