What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
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[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Nomnomnomnom
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
my sentiments exactly
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?