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“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
found this cool rock hiking today
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If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
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i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing