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My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Ah yes. The three genders
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[montage of me giving-up]
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?