I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
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I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
You better wish for more oil
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull