“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
You Might Also Like
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD