Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
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I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.