I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
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my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman: