At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
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“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
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I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?