A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
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My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.