Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
You Might Also Like
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids