Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
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Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
It’s a gift