It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
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I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.