An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
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[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost