My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
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If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.