I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
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Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?