I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
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Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please