My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
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Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
The old gods are rising again.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.