My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
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JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Friends that check up on you >
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Mornin
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?