Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
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My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny