Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
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[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this![]()
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best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Mornin
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Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.![]()
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why