Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
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It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
Biden: Trust me.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?