If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

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Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?


It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.


Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.


Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.


I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.


I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.


ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie


Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.


The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.


*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?