@Brianhopecomedy

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

You Might Also Like

@NOLAN_MA

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

@TheWoodenslurpy

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

@Crutnacker

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

@lawyerthoughts

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

@TheBoydP

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

@Brianhopecomedy

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

@markydoodoo

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

@Home_Halfway

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

@crabgirl_

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?