If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
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I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
smartest karate player in the world
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.