I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
You Might Also Like
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust