I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
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Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me