I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
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Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
When your parents check you’re ok.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.