You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
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[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
*serious situation*
My brain:
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.