You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
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I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.