Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
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Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Its a hippotatomus
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do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Life cycle of cat
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exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
how high up are we talkin’?
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my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.