until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
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feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
This hospital has everything
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.