Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
You Might Also Like
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
moms in horror movies
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
181.