[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
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WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.