I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
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Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Spell check is for lasers.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones