[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
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I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
an octopus is just a wet spider
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.