I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
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Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Only Americans understand
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare