How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
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– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will