˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
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My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes