My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
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90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train