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If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
The funk soul brother
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.