[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
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cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I’m not average. I’m mean.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.