Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
you stereotypes are all alike
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.