you stereotypes are all alike
You Might Also Like
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya