You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
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Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Breaking news:
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.