Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
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No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.