therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
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Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.