Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
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Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
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This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
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