Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
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breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Mmmm. Shoeshi
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.